Sibling Rivalry

Babyment

Introduction to Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is the competition, animosity, and negative behavior among brothers and sisters. Sibling rivalry is particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender. In one study sibling rivalry is also intense when one or both children are intellectually gifted.

Expert in the field notice that the intensity of sibling rivalry increases from age 2 until the child reaches about 5 to 6 years. This is because the siblings begin to be more aware and start to take note of how their parents treat them and engage in comparisons.

Sibling rivalry is a natural process of growing up. According to the expert, it is actually a good learning process for children to argue and learn how to make up again.

What causes sibling rivalry?

There are many reasons as to why siblings and children fight. Very often, it is not uncommon for siblings to experience some degree of jealousy or competition, thus resulting in squabbles or arguments.

Many factors that contribute to sibling rivalry:

• Each child is competing to define who they are as an individual. As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests. They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.

• Children feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness.
• Children may feel their relationship with their parents is threatened by the arrival of a new baby.
• Your children's developmental stages will affect how mature they are and how well they can share your attention and get along with one another.
• Children who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to become frustrated and start fights.
• Children may not know positive ways to get attention for a sibling or how to start playful activities, so they pick fights instead.
• The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements set strong examples for their children. If parents work through disagreement in a constructive, respectful and non-aggressive way, it is highly likely that their children will also adopt these methods.
• Children often fight more in families where parents think aggression and fighting between siblings are normal and an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
• Not having time to share regular, enjoyable family time together (like family meals) can increase the chances of children engaging in conflict.
• Stress in the parents' lives can decrease the amount of time and attention parents can give the children and increase sibling rivalry.
• Stress in your children's lives can shorten their fuses, and decrease their ability to tolerate frustration, leading to more conflict.
• How parents treat their kids and react to a conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along.
• Children's individual temperaments, including mood, disposition, and adaptability, play a major role in how well they get along.

What to do when the fighting starts?

Whenever possible, don't get involved, you should encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems.

First, the kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own.

Second, you unintentionally make it appear to one child than another is always being favored which could foster even more resentment.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.

When you need to get involved out of concern of physical harm, or the language used, you may want to consider the following:

1. Don't yell or lecture. It won't help.
2. Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight - anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
3. Try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.

Helping them get along

1. First and foremost, don't play favorites.
2. Try not to compare your children to one another. For example, don't say things like, "Your brother gets good grades in math - why can't you?"
3. Teach your children positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play, and to share their belongings and toys.
4. Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Older and younger children may have different privileges due to their age. However, despite your efforts to ensure fair treatment, children may not always deem your decisions as such. Hence, it is important to help your children perceive this fairness by explaining it to them. Reassure them that you do love and treat them equally.
5. Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It's easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
6. Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves and that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules-as well as the consequences when they break them.
7. Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.
8. Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing-to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.