From Time Out to Time In: Discipline That Builds Connection

Traditional time-outs, where a child is isolated for misbehavior, have long been a go-to parenting tool. But a growing body of research in developmental psychology and neuroscience suggests that while time-outs can stop unwanted behavior temporarily, they may miss the deeper goal of discipline: teaching self-regulation and strengthening the parent-child bond. Enter the concept of the time-in.

What Is a Time-Out?

A time-out involves removing a child from a situation to “think about what they’ve done.” It typically includes placing the child in a designated spot (a chair or a corner) for a set number of minutes. While this can be effective in interrupting behavior, many experts now question its long-term emotional and relational effects.

Criticisms of Traditional Time-Outs:

They may lead to shame rather than reflection.
Younger children often lack the cognitive development to process what they did wrong.
They may signal to the child: “You are only worthy of connection when you behave well.”

What Is a Time-In?

A time-in shifts the focus from punishment to connection. Instead of isolating the child, the parent or caregiver stays nearby, offering support to help the child understand their emotions and actions.

Key Elements of a Time-In:

Sitting together in a calm space
Labeling the child’s feelings (“You seem really frustrated right now.”)
Offering co-regulation through deep breathing or calming techniques
Helping the child reflect when they’re ready (“What happened?” and “What can we do differently next time?”)

The Science Behind Time-Ins

Time-ins are backed by neuroscience and attachment theory. Children learn best when they feel safe, seen, and soothed. The presence of a calm, regulated adult during moments of emotional dysregulation teaches a child how to calm down over time—this is known as co-regulation.

According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, co-author of “The Whole-Brain Child,” moments of discipline should be viewed as opportunities to build the brain, not just correct behavior. Time-ins help strengthen the child’s prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and impulse control.

Time-In vs. Time-Out: A Quick Comparison

Time-Out	Time-In
Isolation-based	Connection-based
Focuses on stopping behavior	Focuses on understanding behavior
May trigger shame or confusion	Builds emotional intelligence
Adult is separate from child	Adult co-regulates with child

When and How to Use a Time-In

Time-ins work best when both adult and child are safe and emotionally regulated enough to engage. Here’s a simple time-in process:

Notice the escalation: “I see you’re having a hard time.”
Invite connection: “Let’s sit together and take some deep breaths.”
Validate the emotion: “It’s okay to feel angry.”
Guide reflection: Once calm, help the child make sense of the moment. “What happened? What can we do next time?”

Common Myths About Time-Ins

“Isn’t this just letting the child get away with it?”

No. A time-in is not permissive—it’s proactive. It allows the child to calm down first and then engage in problem-solving. Discipline, after all, comes from the Latin word “disciplina,” meaning “to teach.”

“Won’t they become dependent on me to calm down?”

Not at all. Time-ins teach children to internalize your calming presence. Over time, this strengthens their own self-regulation capacity.

“What if I’m too angry to offer a time-in?”

Take your own time-out first. Self-regulation is key. You can’t co-regulate if you’re dysregulated. It’s okay to say, “I need a minute to calm down. Then we’ll talk.”

Conclusion

Discipline doesn’t have to mean disconnection. Time-ins offer a compassionate, effective way to help children understand their emotions, repair mistakes, and grow their capacity for empathy and problem-solving. By staying emotionally present, caregivers can discipline in a way that not only corrects behavior but also deepens trust and emotional resilience—for both child and parent.